Congratulations are in Order? (3 of 4)

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Not long after the 2nd pregnancy and loss I joined an online forum group for women who have had miscarriages from IVillage.com. It’s changed a lot since then but the idea behind it has not. There is support and love from just reading through it. My heart aches for those who are just experiencing miscarriages for the first time. There is hope, even in the midst of a miscarriage. Hope is everything.

At some point in time, I also read a book titled Empty Arms: Hope and Support for Those Who Have Suffered a Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Tubal Pregnancy by Pam Vredevelt. Wow! An amazing book! I cannot believe that it took me so long to read all the way through.

Well I did get pregnant again after three miscarriages but I decided to not be pregnant. I had been so happy and excited about our first pregnancy. The second one slipped by very quickly. The third one was ignored and now here was our fourth. Of course, how could I not be pregnant if I was pregnant? My mind didn’t wrap around that well. I just knew that I was just going to choose to not be pregnant. I did not get overly ill or excited. Everything just seemed to be numb. I did not purchase home pregnancy tests either. At least, not right away. 

Once again, I trekked out to the doctor’s office and received my congratulations on being pregnant. I drove home and continued on. Hubbie and I both just continued on. At least we did until the most shocking thing happened. I finally broke down and purchased a home pregnancy test. I can’t remember if I sat there and watched it or if I just performed the test and left it sitting on the bathroom sink. Either way, it came back POSITIVE! I was stunned. Even though I refused to accept the idea that I was pregnant, I saved that home test and looked at it EVERY day.

As the pregnancy I was trying to forget was continuing on another shocking milestone occurred. One day, minding my own business, I felt the baby MOVE! What was that again? Yes, something moved inside of me. Somebody was there and growing up. I left work early that day. I couldn’t take it.

We finally got to the point of where we had to tell people we were pregnant again because I was showing. Now my worst fear was that I was getting to know this little one more and more each day but I would miscarry it. I always did so, I didn’t think this would be any easier. I began to wonder how my body would reject this one though seeing as I was very visibly pregnant now. I felt like it was a cruel joke just waiting to happen.

I don’t remember much from this pregnancy. I spent all my time trying to forget that I was pregnant. I lived in this weird almost surreal world of where my life went on and I could see my body bulging with a baby but I didn’t accept it. I felt the baby move but I didn’t pay attention much. I cried a LOT over each little kick and felt my heart drop when there was no movement figuring the inevitable was occurring.

At around 6 months pregnant both Hubbie and I snapped out of it and realized we were HAVING a baby! This one was IT! Baby was on it’s way and we had been doing NOTHING to get ready. All this kicked us into high gear and we got the room ready. We bought a crib. I threw us a couple’s baby shower. I must say it’s tons of fun! Like a big barbeque or something but we get the most adorable socks and have a cake decorated with storks. I recommend it to anyone having a baby! Don’t forget to include the Hubbie in the celebration, have a couple’s shower.

With only 2 months left with this pregnancy both Hubbie and I fell head over heels in love with our baby. We talked to it. We watched my belly appear to be taken over by an alien and move on it’s own. We prepared for it to come. I turned in my letter of resignation at work and joined the club… you know, the one with burp rags and diapers.

Oh and you know what, He was right. Everything IS okay. Was it hard to go through? Yes. Would I repeat it again? Amazingly enough.. yes… I have learned to lean hard on God during difficult times instead of turning away. Do I forget this? Oh yah… but I tend to snap out of it and remember. He has blessed us with 4 amazing babies now and each one of them has been worth the wait. I am so glad His timing worked out better then our timing. If we had been able to keep any of the first 3 babies we would not be where we are now or who we are now. So much more than our desires needed to be in place for us to become a family.

Click here for Part 2 of this Series
Click here for Part 4 of this Series

PS-This series of posts are my feelings about what happened to me. This all happened to me quite a few years ago too. Please keep that in mind during comments. I am also not in the medical field so I cannot gauge how “ill” someone else may get under these circumstances. If you are unsure about a friend or yourself in this situation, contact someone you trust in the medical field who can help.

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