Congratulations are in Order! (4 of 4)

Friday, August 13, 2010

This series was very difficult to relive in the writing. It’s been a very long time since all of these miscarriages occurred but it’s amazing how all of the emotions are just sitting there under the surface. Everything returned to me so quickly that the majority of these posts were typed with tears streaming down my face. I couldn’t seem to find any tissues either, which of course, didn’t help.

Before I posted these I wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing for me and my family. I conferred with my Hubbie to see what he thought of them. I also wanted to make sure I had the order of things correct. He quickly admitted that these were painful posts for him even but he felt I should publish them. He also reminded me of something. We had lost another one. This one was unrecorded and happened a lot earlier in the pregnancies then the others so that may be why I forgot. This one was also AFTER our first born was already safely cuddled at my side so I easily overlook it. Too easily. I want to apologize to this little one and make sure to add them to the story. The missed little one is just as loved as all the others! The timing of the loss was during a significantly chaotic time of our life. Hubbie was not present during the loss and I never went to the doctor to confirm the pregnancy.

I cannot stress enough that I do not talk about our Angel Babies to make people sad. These babies are ours and are a part of our family. Their names were never reused in the family but we have included one of the middle names in our fourth child’s name to solidify the family connection. (All of our children have middle names taken from family members.)

If you EVER come across someone who mentions a miscarriage or may have recently experienced the pain (no matter how far along they were), the best thing you can do for them is to NOT brush the topic under a rug. Feelings for the baby do not disappear because the baby is gone. The memory, dreams and future of that baby are still with the parents. Feelings about the loss can grab you so quickly that it even seems irrational to most. I was hurt often by people trying to rush me through my mourning because they did not think I had bonded with my baby. Be patient.

TALK, tell them you are sorry for their loss. CRY with them if need be. Ask them about names even if they had some picked out. Offer them a meal, a trip shopping with nothing in mind other than distracting them a bit or maybe the book I recommended in the Part 3 post. Be honest with them. “You know, I want you to be able to talk about this with me, but I’m afraid I might hurt your feelings.” That simple statement goes a long way.

You cannot fix what happened for them.

To let you know, we are “recovered”. We miss our babies but we know we are blessed with our four Earth babies. Our children share in the knowledge of their missing brothers/sisters too. It was not planned to share this information with them, but it came up in a discussion of the meaning of their names. I really like that my odds are now evened out. :) That may seem silly but it makes sense to me.

Click here for to start at the beginning of this Series.


PS-This series of posts are my feelings about what happened to me. This all happened to me quite a few years ago too. Please keep that in mind during comments. I am also not in the medical field so I cannot gauge how “ill” someone else may get under these circumstances. If you are unsure about a friend or yourself in this situation, contact someone you trust in the medical field who can help.



2 comments:

Click Clack Mom said...

Wow, I can't imagine what you have gone through. This is just so heart-breaking. I can imagine all the feelings are still right there, painful as ever. You and your angel babies will be in my prayers.

melodygreen said...

I just wanted to say thank you for pouring out your story in these posts. I can identify too well with your feelings of loss (my one miscarriage + years to get pg again was enough... I cannot imagine three in a row) and the emotional upheaval of the next pregnancy. When I was about 7 months pregnant with my now 4 year old, I had someone ask me how the baby was doing. My response was, "Fine, I think."... because even that far along I was terrified of not getting to bring a baby home. While I hate knowing someone else has felt the same, it was helpful to me too... even now... so many years later, even when I had my own amazing online community of support. Thank you. Off to catch up on some more recent parts of your life now!

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