Congratulations are in Order? (2 of 4)

Monday, June 14, 2010

We did not want to wait to try again too soon after we lost our first baby, but we really wanted to be parents. We waited four months and decided to try again. Once again I wanted to get a positive on a home pregnancy test but was scared of them all at the same time.

I decided to head to the doctor’s office to use their tests up instead of spending $10 or more for a test. Our budget couldn’t sustain my obsession with those tests for long so I had to be “economical.”

The nurse said, “Congratulations! You are pregnant!”

I remember being gripped with fear, driving down the road and praying, “please let us keep this baby!” As a peace washed over me I felt and heard, “everything will be okay.” I could hardly contain myself! I told Hubbie all about it too. We relaxed and were almost ready to share with everyone our new joy. I actually looked forward to feeling sick because it reminded me that I was pregnant!

I never did get a home pregnancy test positive. We lost that baby too. It was the night I was to hold a home sales party. I felt bad for the consultant who showed up at my door to get started and with a forced smile I invited her in. She asked how I was doing and some other questions. I must have answered something acceptable and we all continued on. I had 2 people at that pathetic little party. I apologized to the consultant and thanked her too. See, I was losing that little baby right then and there. Right in front of everyone, but I clung to the normalcy of having people over. I didn’t want it to happen again.

It was painful. It lasted longer then I wanted. I called in sick to work. It hurt! And oh how I loved that baby!! My fists went up toward God as I cried out, “you said everything will be okay!”

All I heard was, “and it will.”

My body betrayed me again and we lost our third baby too. It was over a year after we had decided to try and become parents. I gave up on the idea. I’m not sure where Hubbie was on the issue because I shut him out too. We continued on surviving living and I decided to not become pregnant again until………
Click here for Part 1 of this Series
Click here for Part 3 of this Series

PS-This series of posts are my feelings about what happened to me. This all happened to me quite a few years ago too. Please keep that in mind during comments. I am also not in the medical field so I cannot gauge how “ill” someone else may get under these circumstances. If you are unsure about a friend or yourself in this situation, contact someone you trust in the medical field who can help.


Kathryn said...

I am so sorry for all your losses. I had a miscarriage last year, and so I know what it is like to lose a baby. I am sorry you keep going through this, and I pray that God gives you direction and peace about where to go next.

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