Deployment Thoughts

Thursday, August 16, 2012

We had a wild ride of deployments, training sessions, etc that kept Hubby busy and away from us during the beginning of the year. I wrote this post during one of those times and never shared it because at the time, I was IN it and just couldn’t bring myself to click publish. Looking over it again now I am glad that I vented it into a “journal post” for myself and I can rationally see that it was a passing moment. It didn’t last. Thank you Lord for always standing by me during those rough, dark days!

Now.. on to the post. This is something like what a deployment does to me (at times) and may help others to understand and relate better to those in the thick of it…

I am struggling with attending events. Not events where I have to watch my kiddos. I am struggling with attending events where I am expected to mingle with other adults. Like church. Adults ask me these relentless questions of, “how are you doing?” Such a simple question, isn’t it? I’ve never liked that question. NEVER. Weird to despise such an open ended question because it can have a nice tidy answer and that person will move on. But that’s the problem. I’m also tired of hearing, “I don’t know how you do it.” Right now, I’m not.

When you ask someone, “So, how are you?” What do you really expect from them? “Fine, how are you?” Right? What if you got more than that? Would you be a little caught off guard? I can pretty much be sure that over one-half of those who ask me that don’t really want to know. It’s a conversation opener. To me it’s like a smack in the face.

How am I doing? I am completely overwhelmed! Totally freaking out! Not sure how I am surviving to take my next breath. Incredibly in awe of my loving children who are suffering through this moment with me and showing me true love. This moment of perpetual sinking. I don’t feel like me anymore but I’m not sure where me is either. I cry easily. Get angry way too quickly. My heart hurts.

Is there a medical condition? Did I suddenly plummet into depression? Maybe… but the rational side of me can kick in and I know that there are some BIG life changes happening around me that won’t last forever. I’ve really only had the wind knocked out of me and it’s going to hurt for awhile. It will get better.

I just don’t want to hear, “How are you?” anymore though. Such a loaded question and I want to answer it…. but it’d be messy. Way too messy.

Don’t ask unless you REALLY want to know.


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