One Way to Stop Prayer

Saturday, September 03, 2011

There’s probably many ways to stop prayer. For me, there is one and it’s big. Frustratingly big. Yet… it’s not so big and it’s frustratingly simple too. Crazy isn’t it?

I have stopped praying because I feel like a broken record. I feel like I pray for help, fail, pray for help, fail, pray for help…. and you get it right? I fail. So now I have gotten to the point that I have stopped praying. I just realized this too. I feel like I might have some whip lash from smacking myself in the face.

I’m not saying that my fail is the answer to the prayer either. I have a fervent prayer for help in the area of anger. I get angry at my kids. A lot. I don’t like to and even in the midst of getting angry I can think, “why?” but that doesn’t make me stop getting angry. I get angry, I yell and my kids are hurt. Vicious cycle. So I used to pray for help in this area, but because I keep failing in redirecting the anger, removing myself from the situation of anger, in trying to find a Biblical approach to anger, etc I have simply written myself off as a lost cause in the area and have stopped praying. And that means STOPPED praying. Not just about the anger issue…. just entirely. Seems kind of extreme doesn’t it?

Amazing how that all falls together.

Oh and how did I come up with this revelation? I was angry, I yelled (actually tossed my hands in the air as a sign of giving up (or throwing an adult fit) and said, “fine, do whatever you want. I don’t know anything.” (you know, the adult fit statement….)) ouch… that hurt to type… where was I? Oh… right… I threw my fit and went to sit pout in the school room. My Bible was on the shelf and I just thought, I need to read that. So I did. While I’m reading I’m thinking, “I need to take time in the morning before school to pray over the day. It would probably go better. Help me relax and focus. Why don’t I?” And smack… I realized that I don’t pray because I fail.

Ugh… more failing because I realized this? I think I am tired of this. I think even if I do fail in the day, I still want to take the time and pray. How long has it been? I’m not even sure. That’s even more scary then what I typed above. OH and what’s worse? I might just publish this and than what? Will there be any accountability to hold me to this? Or I do publish it, fail and publish something about the fail and someone judges me from this post? Hmmm… That publish button is kind of a scary thing isn’t it?


Amy said...

Thank you for being honest! I do this often and then get mad that I do it, and then it's that cycle thing again. I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one. I hate praying for things that I fail at, because it just discourages me. I'm pretty sure God asks that we keep bringing things before Him, though.
I appreciate your honesty. I'd love to be accountable to someone, too. Might do me a world of good!

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